When Panic ATTACKS

When I was in college, my mother took me to the emergency room for strange chest pains and difficulty breathing. I don't remember the trip or the treatment, but what I do remember is that when I relayed the story to my friend who was studying medicine at the time, she looked at me strangely and said, "Nicole... they treated you like you were having a panic attack." It was a strange bit of information; I hadn't felt any more stressed than usual, I didn't feel panicked at all, the one thing I had been worried about was the chest pains. My friend and I chalked it up to shoddy treatment at our local hospital.

If only I had listened to my body's first screams for help.

Those symptoms didn't return, but more severe ones did. According to medical professionals, both of my chronic conditions have no known cause, but are equally aggravated by stress. In the years leading up to my diagnoses I experienced some of the most stressful times of my life. I was not surprised when I found myself admitted to the hospital in June 2009; I knew there was only so much my body could withstand.

In the years since being out of work I have attempted to do everything in my power to avoid stressors. However, in the last couple of months, that act, in and of itself has proved to be one of the greatest stressors I contend with. You see, as a living breathing human being, avoiding stress is impossible. The only course of action is to deal with it.

Now that this ostrich is slowly raising her head from the ground, I'm coming to realize that this is a skill I may have forgotten. The result: Last Thursday I experienced the beginnings of another panic attack. I told my husband what I was feeling and talked through why I thought it was happening. We took the day very slowly. We're currently living through that terrifying part of life that older couples look back on and say, "Lord only knows how we survived," while laughing with the grand kids who don't believe life will ever be so difficult for them and who swear that their grandparents are exaggerating just to ensure they appreciate all that they have.

Friday we went to the beach with the family. This was a great escape from my norm with ups and downs of its own. Up: hanging out with a two year old who just wanted to play with sand and watch some Sesame Street on my iPhone. Down: not feeling confident enough to go in the water or walk alone back to our blanket because of my lack of vision. On the weekend, I was distracted by San Diego ComicCon news, which I welcomed, watched and wrote about, using it as a fantastical get away from my norm. And then my brother, another welcomed distraction, came to stay over on Monday.

Yesterday, the panic welled again.

I'm going to get through this. I've gotten through so much worse than what I'm dealing with now. I just have to remember to be strong, but also be forgiving of myself. Feeling stress is normal, avoiding it is not... I must deal.

In the meantime, I think it probably goes without saying that this has greatly affected my writing output, even though I am involved in the fabulous Fast Draft workshop! Here's the rundown of pages written since last week's update:

Day 6 (Thurs): 0 pages

Day 7 (Fri): 0 pages

Day 8 (Sat): 6 pages

Day 9 (Sun); 0 pages

Day 10 (Mon): 0 pages

Day 11 (Tues): 0 pages

Day 12 (today, so far...): 10 pages

Any words I did spill forth in this time, fell onto the pages of the Word of the Nerd website in the form of these three articles:

Why Is The Iron Man 3 Suit So Gold? 

Whedon Talks Dr. Horrible on CW and Sequel News 

&

Review: Breaking Bad "Live Free or Die" (S. 5 Ep. 1) 

So, for my weekly check in, I didn't do so hot, but I'm not going to PANIC about it. In fact, I think I'll just follow this rule of thumb: