I Can't Juggle

Last week Dr. Oz told me (and thousands of other viewers) that I could expand the size of my brain by learning to juggle. Two things came to my mind:

• That's fascinating, and
• That's not really safe for me!

Someone who has intracranial hypertension, like myself, doesn't want the stuff in her skull to take up MORE space, she actually strives for less squishiness! However, as last week faded away and Monday rolled around I realized that physically juggling isn't the only thing I have to be careful of: I must also look out for my personal tendency to start a bunch of new projects at once. I tend to throw them all up in the air and then get struck in the head as each one comes pummeling down while I'm trying to pick up up the pieces of the first one I dropped (which is nearly always my health). It's a vicious cycle that I need to stop.

The sad thing is that juggling is really exciting and fun to watch. It makes people smile and clap. I like to make people smile and clap; it breaks my heart that I can't provide this level of happiness to the people in my life. But I've come to a conclusion: I will have to do  it in some other way.

One thing at a time. Be present. Be focused. Devote yourself to one thing, see it through, then move on. These are the mantras I must live by. Fracturing my energy in an attempt to "do it all" has left me short of every finish line I've been running for. I am not the healthy Nicole I used to be (this doesn't make me any "less" Nicole, but I am a Nicole who is different) and, therefore, must approach life differently.

This life lesson that I seem hell-bent on repeating to myself ad nauseum came rushing around again on Monday because that was a day when I was supposed to throw a bunch of new "balls" in the air. The funny thing about chronic conditions is that that they do not really care what kind of importance you place on certain days. On Monday, I was battling headaches piled upon headaches that had a lifespan of 24 hours and more (today we are down to multiple headaches spacing themselves out, thank you very much). No balls were thrown in the air on Monday and if you were waiting for me to start my Memoir A to Z Challenge here on Rivera Runs Through It, then you noticed at least one of them that had to be dismissed as I spent most of my day in my neurologist's office.

And, unfortunately, that is going to have to stay on the back-burner for a little while longer. Because, as I said earlier, I have to do one thing at a time, be present and be focused. Committing to the challenge is something I don't think I can keep up without planning it further in advance (it looks like even once a week is too daunting at this time). I have my Disability hearing in six days that has to be my "one thing" right now. In fact, it is nearly impossible to think of anything else...

And, on that note, before my stress meter fills up and some more wonky symptoms come to visit me so early in the morning, I will sign off for now, requesting any good wishes and positive energy you can send to me (and the judge hearing my case) next Tuesday morning.