The Enigma of My God

Today I wondered if it would be easier if I was an atheist.

I sat and thought, What if I didn't believe there was a higher power watching over me? And I wondered if that would make it easier for me to understand why some things happen the way that they do.

Today I got a phone call that informed me that my neighbor died. She was getting treated for cancer and died during her treatment. It was unexpected, it was unfair and I was stunned.

And then, just like each night is broken by the dawn and finds morning, I, in my sweet blissful life of waking sleep, with this one call, was broken and found my mourning again. I thought of the unexpected suddenness of this woman's death and couldn't help but relive the shock of losing my father. I thought of her disease, her treatment and even her shared first name and nearly drowned in the mourning over my mother. I thought of her husband, her daughters and felt the anguish for them and with them and I thought

why?
...Why?
    ...WHY does this continue to happen?

So I turned to who I always turn to in these moments when I am drowning in my tears and sorrow. I turned to God whom I know is always there for me and is always watching and listening and guiding me and I asked the unanswerable, Why?

Of course, there was no answer. So I decided to be a little more specific, God, why can't my mother be here on Wednesday to celebrate her 64th birthday? Why couldn't this other woman who I've lived across from my entire life at least have lived until hers? Why must they all leave so soon?

In some corner of my subconscious I heard whispers, It was their time... but I don't know if it is my own grasp of some semblance of sense in my insane world, or the Almighty answer.

I don't know.

The only three words that resonate any kind of truth:

I

don't 

know.

Which returns me to my original query - Would it be easier if I didn't believe? 

It's so far outside my reality it is difficult for me to conceive of what that actually means. The question arose in my mind, but I don't think there is any way for me to aptly answer it. The facts are the facts: I believe in God and no matter how much I am continually confused (and occasionally infuriated) by that which can be attributed to God's actions, I have been unable to un-believe. 

So, like everyone else on this Earth, I am pained by the suffering of others. I feel that if I had the power to do so, I would wipe it from the planet.

The God I believe in is all-powerful. He is forgiving, loving and all-knowing. As I carry this belief I carry the weight of believing that this God chooses to not wipe suffering from the planet. This is the greatest enigma in my life. This is the enigma of my God.